This ain’t your Brothers Grimm. This ain’t your childhood bedtime story, either. “It’s not a fairytale… it’s an adventure,” or so the movie narrates in this opening sequence, though it ends up being a bit too frightening and overwhelming for kids of ANY age. That from the mouths of babes – or at least the babe I was sitting next to – an eleven year old who sat scrutinizing every scene… which is fine. She’s an authority. She’s seen the original. Twice. Voiced by Hayden Panittere, Red Riding Hood is not the demure little girl chugging a basket of jam to Grandma’s house. And Grandma (voiced by Glenn Close) is not a knitting-needle chain-stitching woman rocking agile in her chair. The big bad wolf (Patrick Warburton) is anything but interested in eating her up. He’s a wimp. The irony is that Red is supposed to be from some group called the Sisters (in the hood) but they speak a language far from women’s empowerment. They shout messages at us in light-year speed leaving us exhausted and polluted and checking our watches. The charm that should surface in happily-ever-after is instead pummeled by insult after insult from character to character. They all seem more a mad scientific lab experience erupted over, with Hansel and Gretel (voiced by Bill Hader and Amy Poehler) as the twin Doctor Evils. From the Weinstein Company – who thank God are forgiven for delivering this year’s Oscar winning The Kings Speech, the biggest disappointment by far is the anemic animation. Where’s Pixar when you need them? If you have a naughty child in the house, this is the film to punish them with into absolute nightmares and bedwetting tonight. Two tiaras
