The concept seems perfect. ..Written and directed by British rom/com god Richard “Love, Actually” Curtis” – a film takes place circa 1966, the Beatles, the Stones, the Who, all being played illegally on one horny boat – thus Pirate Radio, England. It’s the “Boat that Rocked” and should have sunk. What was Focus Features thinking? Were they still in “Taking Woodstock” frame of mind? Can a movie make you seasick? Apparently so. DJ, “The Count” (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) is completely underused, spending most of his time sitting back and watching the horny antics of the other Disc Jockeys all being bossed around by Quentin (Bill Nighy). Haven’t we seen Nighy in this role before? In “Love, Actually,” actually. Isn’t it time he spread his aging rock star wings? Enter Quentin’s godson, Carl (Tom Sturridge) the only likable character compared to the rest of the insufferable crew. Who knew British men could be immodest, yet bandage their personalities by bragging about being fat, short, and having “small knobs.” Despite all that these bozos still radiate egotism. And why is it ugly British men are always depicted as getting beautiful American women? “Mad Men’s” January Jones would never wed some battered satchel, but she does in this. From the moment the movie begins it feels overly pleased and full of itself. And it gives Englishmen a bad rap. Kenneth Brannagh plays a Government official determined to shut down the boat spending most of his time pacing hallways in Parliament (or wherever British officials pace.) Is this what’s become of “Hamlet?” There is one good thing: The soundtrack. But somehow in composing the score they forgot to make, um, the movie. This film is so bad it’s entertaining. Now shall I tell you what I really feel? One tiara.
